“I’m Not Your Mommy”

God is faithful,

Yesterday, was my birthday and the day we spoke to the agency about setting up visits. I knew it was VERY possible for the day to come and soon but of course I hoped that it wouldn’t. Not for our sake but for the boys sake. I can go on and on in this post about how I feel about the system but this post is not about that.

No, this post is about my heart and it breaking. The battle between my emotions of what’s right and wrong and the unending thoughts of “but their not YOUR children” has played over and over again.

I’m sure their will be people who read this and say “well it’s foster care, what did you expect”, or “that’s just selfish”, or a lot of things along the line but once again this post is not about that. We went into foster care with the hopes of helping families reunite and giving children a safe place to be, to recover, to thrive, to grow, to know what it feels like and means to be truly loved. And to adopt. But this, this case is different. But not for this post.

Since the second day, we got our boys and the 2yr old was feeling well enough to talk, he called us “mommy and daddy”. We were in shock! We didn’t know what to do, we called our case worker. We didn’t want to confuse him and we didn’t know how to explain it to him. Our CW said he feels safe and that it’s ok for him to call you guys that. So from that moment on his life and world around him has been built on the idea and thought we’re his mommy and daddy.

Often times, I’m reminded that “I’m not your mommy” when I’m planning their futures with little things such as schooling next year, activities, trips for the summer, when he turns 4 etc. Anything really. The little voice reminds me “there not yours”.

As I sat in the car on my birthday, waiting for my husband to pump gas, thinking about my very recent phone call of Saturday real mommy visits. My eyes burned with pain as I continued to hear in the silence “mommy, where’s daddy?”. And when I look back at his innocent eyes, full of belief that he is home, he asks me {with a very concerned, sweet face} “mommy, what’s wrong?”, my response “I’m ok, I just love you”, “I love you too mommy”.

I ask God, why? Why do we only get to play house? Why would he bring us a case that is so unraveled in my fragile {heart} state. Why would  He tug on my emotions?

I think how his whole life right now is a lie, nobody’s who he think they are. I’m not his mommy, he’s not his daddy, our parents aren’t grandma and grandpa, our siblings are not aunts and uncles. We’re just strangers that love them, want them, except them, and hope to have them.

But it’s also in those thoughts that I feel, “if I can just get pregnant, we’ll have our own”. But that’s such a selfish thought. What do that even mean? If we found out I was pregnant, it wouldn’t make us want them any less, we wouldn’t just hand them over because we have a replacement but the thought comes up and every time I feel guilty.

I have so many feelings that I cant process and I just need God to help me. I know people mean well when they give their thoughts but I don’t need them, at least not right now. I don’t need to hear, “I hope you guys get to keep them”, or “be ready in case they do go back”, or “it’s her first offense, she may not get time”. I DON’T NEED TO HEAR THAT STUFF AND I HATE IT!

We know… its possible for them to go back home or to a family member, we took the courses and understand are aware of the fc system.

We know… it’s a possibility we get to keep them.

We know… she may not get time {although we pray she do}

We know… it may take longer than 6 months for them to get sentenced.

WE KNOW!

Instead why not say, “we’re praying for the children, for their protection and covering, and God’s favor”, “we’re praying for you guys, for your strength, patience, and faith”. or remind us to “cherish the days”. Or NOTHING! Just do not say anything!

But again people think their helping. But there times to speak and times to listen.

With all this being said, I hold on to God being faithful and loving and kind and compassionate.

He is a good God with a great purpose. And while I feel like He’s torturing me, ignoring me, and punishing me. I know that He’s preparing me, growing me, strengthening me, and working on my behalf.

For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear,
Nor has the eye seen a God besides You,
Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him. –Isaiah 64:4

Sorry, if this post makes no sense, it was more of me laying out my emotions that I knew would come from such a rewarding and challenging opportunity.

India